Learn To Fly

For three consecutive years, my birthday post had been entitled with Taylor Swift's songs and albums. There was Kinse (Spanish for Fifteen) back in 2012; Red on 2013; and #1997 (like 1989) last year, 2014. But this year, I've decided to change it for once. I'm gonna learn to fly just like the Foo Fighters. Because today, I'm fucking 18.

Before, I was just this young girl with a dream of becoming a nurse, then it became a pilot, then a doctor, then a power ranger, then an astronaut, and then it turned to becoming America's Next Top Model, and living with Spongebob in his pineapple under the sea, and so on. In short, I didn't know what I want and who I want to be. I got so overwhelmed by the intensity of life and how it could make or break you. But this year made me realize that I should make up my mind: Who am I gonna be? Where am I going? When am I gonna take the risk? Why am I here? What do I want and what am I gonna do with my life? Only I can answer those. Not my bestfriend, not my mother, not even Ed Sheeran, and most definitely not you. It's me. The one and only, bitch.

As I'm typing this, I'm looking through the pictures in my mind and think about how crazy it has been. From god-awful selfies and 'jeje days' that is my ultimate nightmare, to perfect dark matte lipsticks and #ootd's; it has been one hell of a ride. I remember how it felt like to be scolded by your 3rd grade adviser because you're too noisy inside the classroom and you're not listening to her (she's Mrs. Manuel, if you want to know); how it felt like when the mother of your classmate, who cried because you smacked him on the back so hard, came to school and you didn't know what to do; how it felt like when you're dancing and singing in front of a lot of people for almost 5 years; how it felt like to be a crush of somebody from the same sex; how it felt like to have that one particular music activity when we were in 6th grade when we sang a song called 'Agos ng Batis', and how it made me want to learn to play the guitar. I remember how it felt like to be in a new environment when you just graduated from elementary and you're entering high school and you're excited because you know your friends are gonna be there; how it felt like to start that first lesson and how your first day of high school ended; how it felt like to try different things that you haven't tried before; how it felt like to see that very good looking junior boy for the first time and you're gushing the whole day and you have no idea that he's gonna be your crush until now (hi there Nemo! I have a crush on you since my first year in high school. I'm on my 3rd in college now, just so you know and you still make me swoon); how it felt like to have your first love and know that it's not just a puppy love but a real one, the kind that makes you ache from within and cuts you deep in the soul; how it felt like to have your first heartbroken and think that it's not just an emotional pain but a physical pain as well, and how it made you a little bit stronger and wiser; how it felt like to have your first kiss without thinking it could be your last with him; how it felt like to be stabbed in the back by someone you once called a friend; how it felt like to be devastated in your own senior prom when your guy bestfriend didn't even dance with you, let alone talk to you; how it felt like to stand beside your classmates throwing that white cap off when the day of your graduation came. I remember how it felt like to enter your new universe in the face of red and white, and how terrified you were back then; how it felt like to talk to your new found friend and how proud you were at that moment; how it felt like to welcome people and feelings from the past with open arms just to watch them leave again and slip through your fingers; how it felt like to have that major argument with people whom you trusted your whole being with; how it felt like to just look at that someone's smiling face and just say to yourself, "I really did love him,"; how it felt like to be alone and how, at the same time, depressing and independent it made you; how it felt like to feel okay again and not just saying it because you want it to be true, but because it is true. I am okay again. So many feelings, so many memories. Memorable, draining, funny, excruciating -- all these made me who I am today.

Now that I'm 18, I know who I want to be: I am going to be the type of person who listens more rather than speaks more. I am going to be the girl who will make you see that life is full of screaming colors, not just plain black and white. I am going to be the friend who will be supporting you through good times and bad, and who will kick your ass if you do things you're not supposed to be doing to yourself. I am going to be the daughter my parents could be proud of. I am going to be the sister my brothers have never expected. And I am going to be the type of person you will never ever forget.

Now that I'm 18, I know where I am going: I'm going to travel the world. Amsterdam, Paris, Rome, Jerusalem, London, New York -- all of it. I'll be going to the path where things are difficult to go through but once you get through it, you're a better version of yourself. I'll be going to the boulevard of tired eyes, restless hearts, and broken dreams and find that one brave soul to take it home so he could be mine and I'll be his. I'll be going somewhere only we know.

Now that I'm 18, I know when I am gonna take the risk. It's now. I will seize any opportunity I can get; I will jump every cliff I could find; I will grab every chance that will come my way. Why spend my life thinking about 'what ifs' and 'i should'ves'? Why not here? Why not now? There's nothing more perfect than now.

Now that I'm 18, I know why I am here. I'm here for my family to support them in any way I can. I'm here for my friends to listen to their rants and scold them if need be. I'm here for those people who think they have no one. I'm here to inspire, to encourage, to lift up, to carry heavy loads of bullshit you can't take anymore, and to speak when words can't seem to find you. But most especially, I'm here to be me and to be who I am supposed to be -- an instrument for a greater purpose.

And now that I'm 18, I know what I want and what I'm going to do with my life: I want to learn to fly, and I'm gonna fly high!

"Take these broken wings and learn to fly.. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise." - The Beatles, Blackbird

Stay

One of the worst things you can do to someone is to take them for granted. People are so busy looking at their own reflection in the mirror that they can't see what's around them. You do things, and suddenly you hurt somebody. But then, you realize that this somebody, loves you and already forgave you before. So you are so comfortable with the thought that this person will take you back again. But no. Thinking that way just makes you a very awful person. It's so fucking selfish! Every time that person forgives you in every damn time you fuck shit up, it patches you up and you feel brand new. But you'll never see how it cuts deep inside for that person to sacrifice and swallow every ounce of pride s/he has. Apologizing is not the only time you surrender your pride. It's also in forgiving. Don't you have any idea how fucked-up it is to forgive someone even though s/he doesn't deserve any forgiveness?

So don't you ever think that she's gonna stay this time. Instead, make her want to stay. Not because she has to, but because you deserve another chance.

To My Future Guy

It's probably late or probably too early for you to read this. You might just have woken up from a dreadful major exam yesterday or just gonna go to bed after 4 mugs of coffee because you're finishing your project. You're probably stressed out because of your unruly hair that can't be straighten out for your thesis defense or you can't sleep because you have a job interview tomorrow. Hell, you might be annoyed right now coz I want you to read this in front of me so that I can see every emotion that will pass across your face. Or maybe you might be rejecting that request of mine because it's too cheesy for you so I'm telling you right now that please don't because i'm gonna say something..

please be patient with me.

I know i'm irrational at times; I might be too frank and serious about all things; I might be mean and say awful things about your exes; I know i can be too sensitive about the music on the car or on the jeepney (i just said 'car' because i'm assuming you're a rich bastard, but hey i got it all figured out that we have to commute to experience life so just forget about it); i get annoyed when you don't use serving spoon/fork whenever we have dinner at y/our house; I get angry when you say you don't like harry potter because it makes you gay but let me tell you it would be life-changing to be in Hogwarts (oh, i know. i've been a gryffindor and a slytherin when i had some dreams about it); i also do stupid decisions and i keep on making you worried about me coz i gave up on texting frequently a long time ago so you have no idea where am i sometimes; I know i'm in love with jon snow and that's never gonna change and i hope you become the lord commander of the night's watch someday so i can get over him and not imagine him having my babies; I'm a bitch sometimes (okay, oftentimes); a blubbering mess whenever we watch a drama or a chick flick; a raging bull every time you cut your classes just to be with me (i'm not most girls babe. some girls might find this sweet, but hell no, not me); and a hypocrite for saying i'm not a hopeless romantic.

Look, all i'm saying is that i'm not gonna be a perfect girlfriend. I have a lot of flaws that i didn't even mentioned here because seriously, that is a long list. But hey, above all these flaws, i am something right. And that's being your girl.

I'm not gonna ask you for anything. I'm not actually a demanding person. All i want is for you to just be there as i am for you. I will hug you hard every time you need one and hug you harder when you don't; i will kill the cockroach that caused you to scream like a little girl in the living room; i will introduce you to all my favorite everything so that we will not argue that often about our favorite Beatles' song and our favorite young-and-hot-and-i-mean-super-hot-Brad Pitt film; i will kiss your mouth whenever you get so worked up with your lessons at school and whenever you tell me i'm beautiful even though i don't have slender arms or abs; i don't care if you have remains of pizza on your teeth coz i will still tell you that you make me feel like i'm 14 when you smile at me; i will forgive you even before you say sorry to me (but babe please, have the decency to really apologize. only if it is your fault, don't worry); and i will still love and adore and miss and hate and cherish and curse and love and love and love you even if you're a conceited, arrogant son of a bitch who has a beautiful smile that always makes my day brighter and loves me not more than his mom.

You don't need to give me the world. You don't need to fly me to the moon.

You don't need to move mountains for me.

Just be patient with me. And don't give up easily on me. And love me.

And believe in me when I say i'm gonna do the same.

My Playlist

Music has been, and will always be, an essential part of my life. If you know me personally, you will know that I won't get out of the house to go somewhere quite far and not bring my earphones. My earphones is actually my bae right now.

Normally, I am a huge Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith and The 1975 fan. I mean, I love them so much so it's given that I listen to their music all the fucking time and I'm proud of it. But I have an eclectic taste in music. My jam ranges from oh-my-god-i-shouldnt-let-other-people-know-im-listening-to-this-kind-of-crap to ha-you-motherfuckers-yeah-i-have-an-amazing-taste-in-everything-unlike-you. So forgive me.

Here are some of the songs I frequently, and recently, listen to. This also includes some of the songs that I really love even from other eras. (note that these are just all from my phone, i still have a lot of faves other than these) Check them out!

A

A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

A Step You Can't Take Back - Keira Knightley

Adia - Sarah McLachlan

All I Want - Kodaline

All Is Said and Done - Broadcast 2000

All My Love - Cameron Mitchell

All This Time - One Republic

Angel - Jack Johnson

Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

Anna Sun - Walk The Moon

As Much As I Ever Could - City & Colour

Asleep - The Smiths

Atlas Hands - Benjamin Francis Leftwich

B

Back and Forth - Operator Please

Back To You - Alex & Sierra

Beach Baby - Bon Iver

Beeswax - NazcarNation

Bermuda - Kisses

Better Than Penelope - Wendy Darling

Blackbird - The Beatles

Bones - Lewis Watson

Break My Fall - Golden Coast

Break The Cycle - You + Me

Brick - Ben Folds Five

Broken Stereo - Sean Fournier

Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson

C

Calendar Girl - Stars

California - Rogue Wave

Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Lady Antebellum

Captivated - Lady Gaga

Close Your Eyes - Young Love

Coffee and Cigarettes - Augustana

Come Around - Rosi Golan

Come Away With Me - Norah Jones

Cue The Sun! - Daphne Loves Derby

D

Deadwater - Wet

Delicate - Damien Rice

Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis

Dream Girl - Hunter Hayes

Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional

Dying Now - Noah Gundersen

E

Echo - Jason Walker

Embrace - Phillip Larue

Every Little Thing - Dishwalla

F

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

Fiona Coyne - Saint Pepsi

Fix You - Coldplay

***Flawless - Beyoncé feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche

Forget Me - Dozens

Frame By Frame - The Honorary Title

Franklin - Paramore

G

Gotta Have You - The Weepies

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Gravity Rides Everything - Modest Mouse

Guiding Light - Foy Vance

Gypsy - Suzanne Vega

H

Half Life - Duncan Shiek

Happy Accident - Jason Reeves

Hazelton - Justin Vernon

Hazy - Rosi Golan feat. William Fitzsimmons

Heart - Stars

Heart Like Yours - Willamette Stone

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths

Higher (Oliver Nelson & Skogsrå remix) - Tobtok feat. Emil Heró

Ho Hey - The Lumineers

Home - Michael Bublé

How Lucky We Are - Meiko

I

I Fell In Love Once - Chase Coy

I Knew This Would Be Love - Imaginary Future

I Love You - Alex & Sierra

I Miss You Love - Silverchair

I Swear This Time I Mean It - Mayday Parade

I Think God Can Explain - Splender

I Wanna Be Yours - Arctic Monkeys

I Wanna Get Better (RAC Remix) - The Bleachers

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie

I Won't Let You Go - James Morrison

I Won't Love You Any Less - Nat & Alex Wolff

If You Ever Come Back - The Script

In Love Again - Colbie Caillat

In Repair - John Mayer

Infinite Jet - Happy Particles

Islands - Young The Giant

It's Over - Vertical Horizon

J

James Dean - Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.

James Dean & Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping With Sirens

Just A Kiss - Lady Antebellum

K

King of Anything - Sara Bareilles

Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute

L

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me - The Smiths

Last Night on Earth - Greenday

Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot

Let's Make This Moment A Crime - The Format

Like A Fool - Keira Knightley

Like We Used To - A Rocket To The Moon

Lonelily - Damien Rice

Look After You - The Fray

Lost Stars - Adam Levine

Love Alone - Caedmons Call

Love Gone Wrong - You + Me

Love's To Blame - Joel & Luke

Loveless Way - Belgian Fog

Loves Me Not - Kris Allen feat. Meiko

M

Madly - Tristan Prettyman

Make It Without You - Andrew Belle

Maybe I'm Just Tired - As Tall As Lions

Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat

Miracle - Vertical Horizon

Morning - Beck

My Heart - Paramore

N

Naive - The Kooks

Never Change - Chase Coy

Never Find Again - Jason Reeves

Never Say Never - The Fray

New Hampshire - Matt Pond PA

New Start To Start - Hark The Herons

No Fucking Around - Rafter

No Way Out - Rie Sinclair feat. Mike Suby

Noni's Field - Anathallo

Northern Wind - City & Colour

Not A Bad Thing - Justin Timberlake

Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

O

Ocean Wide - The Afters

OctaHate - Ryn Weaver

P

Partition - Beyoncé

Phobic - Plumb

Playing God - Paramore

Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars

Promise - Ben Howard

Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People

Q

Question - Old 97s

R

Rewind - Diane Birch

Ribs - Lorde

Ride - Cary Brothers

Right On Track - The Griswolds

Rocket - Beyoncé

S

Safe and Sound - Capital Cities

Samson - Regina Spektor

Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional

Seaside - The Kooks

Sherry Fraser - Marcy Playground

Show Me What I'm Looking For - Carolina Liar

Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Slow Dancing In a Burning Room - John Mayer

Slow Motion - Little Red

Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

SO. GOOD. - Johnny Stimson

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Sooner Surrender - Matt Nathanson

Sophia - Nerina Pallot

Speechless - Lady Gaga

Stardust - Lena Meyer

Stay - Lisa Loeb

Still - Matt Nathanson

Stranded - Plumb

Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood

T

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

Take Me To Church - Hozier

Taken - Plumb

Team - Lorde

The Love Club - Lorde

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

There is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths

Think of Laura - Christopher Cross

Thinking of You - Katy Perry

Today - Smashing Pumpkins

Try - Asher Book

U

Undercover Martyn - Two Door Cinema Club

Upside Down - Two Minds Crack

V

Volcanoes - Damien Rice

Vulnerable - Secondhand Seranade

W

Wake Up - Coheed & Cambria

We Are Broken - Paramore

We Are Not A Football Team - Minus The Bear

We Intertwined - The Hush Sound

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts

When She Cries - Restless Heart

When We Say Juicebox - AJ Rafael

White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons

Why - Avril Lavigne

Wild Motion (Set It Free) - Miami Horror

Without You - AJ Rafael

Without You - Charlie Wilson

X

XO - Beyoncé

Y

Yellow - Coldplay

You - The Pretty Reckless

You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol

You Remind Me Of Home - Ben Gibbard

Young Hearts - Strange Talk

Your House - Alanis Morisette

Your Song - Elton John

Youth - Daughter

123

3 Rounds and A Sound - Blind Pilot

101 - WALLA

102 - Matty Healy // The 1975

400 Lux - Lorde

405 (acoustic) - Death Cab For Cutie

I also love some amazing covers:

Blank Space / Style mash-up cover (Taylor Swift) - Louisa Wendorff & Devin Dawson

I Can't Make You Love Me / Nick of Time mash-up cover (Billy Joel) - Justin Vernon // Bon Iver

Dreams cover (Fleetwood Mac) - Dana Williams & Leighton Meester

Landslide cover (Fleetwood Mac) - Glee (Gwyneth Paltrow, Naya Rivera & Heather Morris)

There are too many songs in such a tiny space. And there are too many songs this world have and I'm not even close to tell you all of my favorites. But there ya go! Enjoy!

It's like rain on my wedding day.

It's funny how ironic my life is.

I'm the friend who can always give them smart advice, but I could not apply it in my own life. Why is that? I mean, I have all this words-of-wisdom in me; I have watched too many romantic-comedy films and read too many cliché stories about love and life; and I have experienced, first-hand, this crap thing called heartbreak. I already felt what they are feeling right now and yet, I'm still a freaking hypocrite in advising them things to do and words to say because I can't apply it in my own world. What they say is true: easy to say, hard to do.

#ForeverSwiftie

I am on my 6th grade when I heard a song that started off like this:

"We were both young when I first saw you.."

And that was the moment I knew.

Tim McGraw, Cold As You, Our Song, Teardrops on My Guitar, and Tied Together With A Smile. These songs came from her debut album. This album talked about young love and growing up in it, with the pain and the joy it brings. And just like her, I fell in love as well. Until now, actually. With her music.

Fearless -- her second album. This contains songs about how brave love can make you and how 'sorry' can't fix everything that just got broken. With songs like White Horse, You're Not Sorry, Breathe, Forever and Always, and of course, the song that made me a fan of hers ever since I heard it, Love Story. I can still remember having LSS for a few weeks because of that.

She taught me that I shouldn't wait if I have something to say to someone. Even if it's an 'I love you' or an 'I'm sorry', I have to say it because words can break someone into a million pieces.. but it can also put them back together. Back to December, Sparks Fly, Last Kiss, Better Than Revenge, and Ours were the songs that made me a stronger fan than I've ever been before. The third album speaks to me, as if I'm really the one she wrote Long Live for. And I loved it.

2012 and she surprised me with her more matured sound and lyrics. I got used to hear guitars and pianos and words that will make you shed a tear to her songs in the past three albums. But with the songs in this one, I heard catchy melodies I could dance into like with We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together; I heard the song with the talented, adorable, and f*cking amazing ginger man from England in Everything Has Changed; I heard the collaboration with the frontman of one of my favorite bands, Snow Patrol, with lyrics that pierced my heart; I heard lyrics like 'you called me up again just to break me like a promise' in All Too Well, and I remember feeling so proud when I watched her performing that song on Grammy's; and of course, I heard a song that represents love as burning Red. This album is full of heartbreak songs. But I'm happy it ended up in a positive note with Begin Again. It just taught me that there is always hope in the end.

I thought it was the best. But she proved me wrong with Album No. 5.

She took a big leap of faith with 1989. She went from writing about James Taylor to James Dean. But I never doubted her. Her name is still the same; her voice; her songwriting super ability. She's making me dance like I'm in the 80's era with Welcome to New York and New Romantics; helping me to make it Out of the Woods; giving me hope with deep lyrics from Clean, coming from her and a Grammy-award winning songwriter; telling me to Shake It Off, with of course, Style; and giving me LSS again because of her Blank Space. I'm not really much fond of pop. But by listening to her songwriting with her talented friends, it makes me more fond of not just pop music.. but music itself as a whole.

I just wrote this admiration and appreciation post because I just watched her Speak Now World Tour concert for the 4th time with my mom (who is also a fan.. a fan-mom maybe?)  and I realized that I really am her fan. I feel this over-whelming feeling whenever I listen to her songs or watch her interviews or read articles about her or heard she won an award or something. I feel happy. I know her lyrics by heart and I feel as proud as if I'm her lost sister without the world knowing it and I know, I will support her all the way -- whole face or only half of her face be her album cover on her future works that will earn a bunch of Grammy's again for sure.

All I'm saying is that I've been a fangirl since I was graduating in grade school, back when the soundtrack of my life is A Place In This World and White Horse; then it changed to If This Was A Movie and Enchanted when I was in my sophomore year in high school; switching to 22 and I Almost Do when I was in my high school final year; and then coming back to the arms of Fifteen when I entered college. Right now I'm on my second year as a college girl. Still, the soundtrack of my life, by a woman who is now 25 looking so rad, is This Love and Wildest Dreams. And I know I'll be her forever fan.

Who is she?

Her name's Taylor.

Taylor Alison Swift.

Born in 12.13.89

And she's my forever idol.

And who am I?

My name's Maren.

Mary Renei dela Rosa.

Born 09.10.97

And I am a Forever Swiftie.

Sober

I must admit: nothing changed. I'm still drunk --  in life and in love.

2015 is right there at the corner already. I'm still stuck on the same page I was in for like a few years now. What happened on 'seeking a great perhaps' and moving-the fuck-on? I don't really know what to do to myself anymore.

Right now, as I'm typing this while lying on my bed at 1:35am, I'm thinking about people and the horrible truth that they will come into your life and eventually, leave. I'm thinking about people and the painful fact that they will take your feelings for granted and then leave you. And almost every day of my life, I always think about people and the inevitable reality that they will love you and hurt you and then fucking leave you in the end. It always comes down to that part. Leaving. The word pricks my heart. I hate it. Why would you leave someone who loves you as much as you love your fucking self? Why is pain, and love,  so much to bear? Why would anyone in this world thinks that they can all just be a beautiful dream came to life and then be a monstrous nightmare under the bed in an instant? Why is this life such a pain in the ass?

I want to wake up. I want to open my eyes to see the wonder of this hazy life. I want to forget everyone who made me feel like a bird in a cage. I want to stop myself from writing fucking letters to someone who doesn't give a damn anymore. I want to not feel a thing anymore to someone who tossed me out of his life in just like that. I don't want to feel any regret or anger or care. I just don't want to feel anything towards them. At all. I want them to be strangers to me. I want them not to speak to me or even look at me. And I want to stop crying right now.

I've decided. This time I do really need to move on. It hurts so much right now. Knowing your bestfriend was already a father without him telling you hurts like hell. And knowing after all these years that you still yearn for the love you had with someone you can never take back hurts even more. I don't want to do this anymore. I wanna be sober.

I wish I could just push pause on the cd player of my life. I just want to breathe. Is it too much to ask? I wanna be free from all these memories. I wanna wake up to the truth that there are still too many things to do; dreams to chase; great perhaps to seek. I want to come face-to-face with reality that I'm not alone as I thought I am; that I am loved by my family and friends; that I am being waited by someone who will deeply love me and will never take me for granted.

Make me forget this brief interlude of sorrow.

Make me feel like I'm finally free from this wall of memories.

Make me sober from this drunken illusion that they will come back and never let me go. Because they already did. They let me go.

And I will never coming the fuck back.