#ForeverSwiftie

I am on my 6th grade when I heard a song that started off like this:

"We were both young when I first saw you.."

And that was the moment I knew.

Tim McGraw, Cold As You, Our Song, Teardrops on My Guitar, and Tied Together With A Smile. These songs came from her debut album. This album talked about young love and growing up in it, with the pain and the joy it brings. And just like her, I fell in love as well. Until now, actually. With her music.

Fearless -- her second album. This contains songs about how brave love can make you and how 'sorry' can't fix everything that just got broken. With songs like White Horse, You're Not Sorry, Breathe, Forever and Always, and of course, the song that made me a fan of hers ever since I heard it, Love Story. I can still remember having LSS for a few weeks because of that.

She taught me that I shouldn't wait if I have something to say to someone. Even if it's an 'I love you' or an 'I'm sorry', I have to say it because words can break someone into a million pieces.. but it can also put them back together. Back to December, Sparks Fly, Last Kiss, Better Than Revenge, and Ours were the songs that made me a stronger fan than I've ever been before. The third album speaks to me, as if I'm really the one she wrote Long Live for. And I loved it.

2012 and she surprised me with her more matured sound and lyrics. I got used to hear guitars and pianos and words that will make you shed a tear to her songs in the past three albums. But with the songs in this one, I heard catchy melodies I could dance into like with We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together; I heard the song with the talented, adorable, and f*cking amazing ginger man from England in Everything Has Changed; I heard the collaboration with the frontman of one of my favorite bands, Snow Patrol, with lyrics that pierced my heart; I heard lyrics like 'you called me up again just to break me like a promise' in All Too Well, and I remember feeling so proud when I watched her performing that song on Grammy's; and of course, I heard a song that represents love as burning Red. This album is full of heartbreak songs. But I'm happy it ended up in a positive note with Begin Again. It just taught me that there is always hope in the end.

I thought it was the best. But she proved me wrong with Album No. 5.

She took a big leap of faith with 1989. She went from writing about James Taylor to James Dean. But I never doubted her. Her name is still the same; her voice; her songwriting super ability. She's making me dance like I'm in the 80's era with Welcome to New York and New Romantics; helping me to make it Out of the Woods; giving me hope with deep lyrics from Clean, coming from her and a Grammy-award winning songwriter; telling me to Shake It Off, with of course, Style; and giving me LSS again because of her Blank Space. I'm not really much fond of pop. But by listening to her songwriting with her talented friends, it makes me more fond of not just pop music.. but music itself as a whole.

I just wrote this admiration and appreciation post because I just watched her Speak Now World Tour concert for the 4th time with my mom (who is also a fan.. a fan-mom maybe?)  and I realized that I really am her fan. I feel this over-whelming feeling whenever I listen to her songs or watch her interviews or read articles about her or heard she won an award or something. I feel happy. I know her lyrics by heart and I feel as proud as if I'm her lost sister without the world knowing it and I know, I will support her all the way -- whole face or only half of her face be her album cover on her future works that will earn a bunch of Grammy's again for sure.

All I'm saying is that I've been a fangirl since I was graduating in grade school, back when the soundtrack of my life is A Place In This World and White Horse; then it changed to If This Was A Movie and Enchanted when I was in my sophomore year in high school; switching to 22 and I Almost Do when I was in my high school final year; and then coming back to the arms of Fifteen when I entered college. Right now I'm on my second year as a college girl. Still, the soundtrack of my life, by a woman who is now 25 looking so rad, is This Love and Wildest Dreams. And I know I'll be her forever fan.

Who is she?

Her name's Taylor.

Taylor Alison Swift.

Born in 12.13.89

And she's my forever idol.

And who am I?

My name's Maren.

Mary Renei dela Rosa.

Born 09.10.97

And I am a Forever Swiftie.

Sober

I must admit: nothing changed. I'm still drunk --  in life and in love.

2015 is right there at the corner already. I'm still stuck on the same page I was in for like a few years now. What happened on 'seeking a great perhaps' and moving-the fuck-on? I don't really know what to do to myself anymore.

Right now, as I'm typing this while lying on my bed at 1:35am, I'm thinking about people and the horrible truth that they will come into your life and eventually, leave. I'm thinking about people and the painful fact that they will take your feelings for granted and then leave you. And almost every day of my life, I always think about people and the inevitable reality that they will love you and hurt you and then fucking leave you in the end. It always comes down to that part. Leaving. The word pricks my heart. I hate it. Why would you leave someone who loves you as much as you love your fucking self? Why is pain, and love,  so much to bear? Why would anyone in this world thinks that they can all just be a beautiful dream came to life and then be a monstrous nightmare under the bed in an instant? Why is this life such a pain in the ass?

I want to wake up. I want to open my eyes to see the wonder of this hazy life. I want to forget everyone who made me feel like a bird in a cage. I want to stop myself from writing fucking letters to someone who doesn't give a damn anymore. I want to not feel a thing anymore to someone who tossed me out of his life in just like that. I don't want to feel any regret or anger or care. I just don't want to feel anything towards them. At all. I want them to be strangers to me. I want them not to speak to me or even look at me. And I want to stop crying right now.

I've decided. This time I do really need to move on. It hurts so much right now. Knowing your bestfriend was already a father without him telling you hurts like hell. And knowing after all these years that you still yearn for the love you had with someone you can never take back hurts even more. I don't want to do this anymore. I wanna be sober.

I wish I could just push pause on the cd player of my life. I just want to breathe. Is it too much to ask? I wanna be free from all these memories. I wanna wake up to the truth that there are still too many things to do; dreams to chase; great perhaps to seek. I want to come face-to-face with reality that I'm not alone as I thought I am; that I am loved by my family and friends; that I am being waited by someone who will deeply love me and will never take me for granted.

Make me forget this brief interlude of sorrow.

Make me feel like I'm finally free from this wall of memories.

Make me sober from this drunken illusion that they will come back and never let me go. Because they already did. They let me go.

And I will never coming the fuck back.