Someday...

It must have been yesterday. I can still see it at the back of my head, making its way through my thick skull to my idiot brain. I can still feel it in my more idiot heart, flowing in my every vein along with its pumped blood all through my body. And I can still taste it on my lips, lingering a bit too long, bragging about being my last first kiss. It must have been yesterday. And I must have been such a pathetic loser in love, for being unable to move past something too tragic; too painful; too much … way too much.

How hard can it be? I mean, you let go first, then move on. That’s it right? You erase the name that stayed on your whole being like a tattoo … but with a scraper. Oh, what a load of crap isn’t it? Moving on means hurting yourself on the way. You see him smiling, but he doesn’t see you making your way into your own personal hell. You see him happy with someone else, but he doesn’t see you ripping to shreds. Love doesn’t make you strong everytime. Sometimes, actually, it takes the strength out of you and place it with dread. Or much worse, despair.

After all this time, I’ve been in a desert looking for an oasis. I’ve been in this hopeless, shattered illusion that someone might be also looking for one; someone who might be also moving on – in the midst of a storm, waiting for the sun to rise again; someone like me. But then, loving also means facing the dusk, knowing there’s the dawn coming up. Love means waiting – for the right one at the right time for the right reason. I’m not saying I want that kind of love right now – the kind that is honest and patient and real. I just want to feel something I know that’s ours, not just shared emotions with everybody. Because love makes you unselfish. There’s no you or me. Only we. Only us.

It’s been a long time and I can still remember it – vivid and strong and unpretentious lovely, lovely memories. It’s nipping at my bones and digging into my soul. I try to reject it, deny or forget it. But I. Just. Can’t. Fucking. Do. It. Why is it that the easiest thing I did [falling in love with him] is also the hardest thing to undo? How do I un-love you, my love? Tell me.

There is a variety of pain: pain when you lose your purse, pain when you lose your pet, pain when you lose your ticket to your favorite band’s concert. But the pain of losing yourself over loving someone? Now that is the Pain with the capital P, A, I, and N. It is always connected to losing something. Just like life, love’s a bitch I know.

I just want to forget you know? Forget that I lost the only love I want to keep for the rest of my years. God knows I tried – that I always try. But there are wounds that can’t be healed in an instant. And I got mine Band-Aided for a long time now. I still bleed. I still yearn. I still long. And I still love.

Someday, reading this full-of-utter-horseshit thing scribbled in a paper with a purple-inked pen, will not put a tear in my eyes, but a smile in my face. Looking back to all those, I know I’ll reminisce like I do now. And someday, I know I won’t even care even if I don’t know what’s been real or not between us; what’s the truth and what are the lies. Because, I know what I felt. Because someday, I know I won’t care. It won’t matter. Someday.

Someday … I’ll be better.

And someday, I’ll move on.

Late Year-Ender Special

DOSMILTRESE

A lot of things can happen to anyone in a year. And it's fascinating to realize when you look back in your life on that year and remember the circumstances that changed you, moved you, or even broke you. One year... 365 glorious tickets to experience life, first-hand, as it is; 365 chances to make it good and right; 365 nights to sleep into and 365 days to wake up to. Even 2013 had 365 days to spare. Three hundred and sixty five. Did you make it count? Did you say everything you wanted to say? Did you slap the person you want to slap for the longest time? Did you kiss your mom goodnight? Did you hold your little brother's hand and feel serenity? Did you look into her eyes and tell her you love her? Did you broke up with him because he cheated on you? Did you even prayed? Did you apologize for your mistakes? Did you forget?

2013 has been an amazing year for me, personally. But then, every year has been amazing. For the past 16 years of my life, I've been grateful. And I am still. But what really made 2013 a very beautiful year to me? It's neither a year of expensive travel pleasures nor a year of I'm-so-lonely-I-need-a-boyfriend-right-now-come-to-mama-baby to me. It's the simple things that made my 2013 very remarkable.

It has been a year of selfies and groupies. Pictures here, pose there. Those never-ending-picture-taking stuff that my friends and I always do.. up until now. (proud to say) the selfie-lords in selfie level 9999999... and so on and don't give a damn to anybody - even to cashiers on tea shops who don't treat teen-aged customers like real customers because they say they "can't have orders" because of us. I mean, seriously? Maybe it's the way your crew sings freaking songs in his freaking voice in a freaking Sunday with your freaking attitudes inside your freaking teashop that does have a freaking wifi but doesn't have any freaking clean restrooms?!! Seriously man, you better shape up. Because the next time I hear another word from her freaking mouth, I'm gonna cuss already and rip her freaking throat. (beware)

A year of proms and performances. My prom was a nightmare to me, actually. Some things are misplaced that time and it led me to fall apart after realizing that some things explodes, then sends shrapnels around. And at that moment, I am the only casualty. Because taking the aim is the only thing to contain the damage.. and being damaged is my forte. But in the same venue, I also had one of my most memorable night with my siblings by faith. A dance performance, along with my faith-friends, that made someone feel special and loved on his special day. And to us, to me - that is more than enough.

Fireworks. Beaches. Infinities. Literally, and metaphorically. A year of seeing fireworks in someone's kiss as if you're the one kissing them; a year of feeling great about meeting new folks while gazing at the colorful sky above; a year of swimming through an ocean full of obstacles and coming out stronger, wiser; a year of just having your friends beside you and do crazy stuffs and feel great about it; a year of seeing your future even in an infinity pool, daydreaming about jumping onto it until your feet touch the bottom and push yourself higher to reach your goal - to come out alive and breathing; and a year of realizing your limitless opportunities in just one glance.

2013 was a year of red lipsticks in your 16th birthday. It was a year of seeing red everytime I see someone so stupid and immature I want to hit them hard in the face and say, "Oh please, grow up!" This was a year of completing my most valued collection about red relationships written in songs by my ultimate idol and role model. And mostly, 2013 was a year of red.. a year of love.

From shy hello's to tight hugs and sweet remarks, 2013 was a year of new friends in new surroundings in my college life. I knew then that surviving the first semester of college is a crucial part of being a college student. It's when you have to decide whether to pursue your chosen career path or not. It's when you feel the pressure of college life. And it is when you seek for your companions for you not to be alone in a pit of different people with different attitudes and experiences. I'm lucky to say that I have found some friends who are witty and beautiful at the same time; some friends who are a little older than me, but can ride my jokes and has a huge sense of humor; some friends who accept me for who I am and what I want to be. I can't say they're perfect. But they're beautiful inside and out. I'll be lying if I say I'm always with somebody then. No. I experienced eating alone in a food stall, walking alone in hallways every break time, and even going to the library for wifi connection. I was alone for a while. And it made me remember the line that Charlie said in the book by Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being A Wallflower: "Friends leave. Things change. And life doesn't stop for anybody." I get it now. Life goes on no matter what. Your friends can leave you. But if you have YOU? Nah, you'll do just fine.

Definitely, it has been a year of great music and movies and books for me. City & Colour, The 1975, Alex & Sierra, Two Door Cinema Club, Ed Sheeran, Bon Iver, and more artists really hit me with their voices and their songs. Even Christian Grey took my breath away. Of course, the TFIOS fever by John Green with Gus and Hazel and Adam Wilde in Where She Went and Travis Maddox in Walking Disaster. And the Silver Linings Playbook and The Life of Pi and Tangled. All these stuffs inspired me and moved me and made me swoon. And I loved every moment of it.

But most of all, 2013 has been a year of letting go of something and grasping another for a better you. Like love, you must unfurl your fingers on something that you love, that hurts you as well, that you held onto for a very long time. Pain changes people, trust me. Everyone feels pain every now and then. But no one deserve to be hurt every freaking time. And I'm sure as hell you don't want to feel that way, do you? So let go. I know that it's easy to say. But as long as you keep on thinking that you can truly do it, you will. It will take time, but someday you will. YOU WILL.

We're humans. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and we try to make it right. We're not perfect. Nothing in this world is perfect. Just like this year, 2014. No one knows if it's the end of the world, or Justin Bieber will be a father, or another super-typhoon will hit our country. But remember that sometimes, it's okay to feel. It's okay to be weak. It's okay not to be perfect. Because that is what makes us humans. These tragedies and circumstances are what makes us feel we are alive and breathing and living. All we can truly do is do what we can now. Because if not now, when?

These are the first pages of our 2014. Write your good life and start today.