Sober

I must admit: nothing changed. I'm still drunk --  in life and in love.

2015 is right there at the corner already. I'm still stuck on the same page I was in for like a few years now. What happened on 'seeking a great perhaps' and moving-the fuck-on? I don't really know what to do to myself anymore.

Right now, as I'm typing this while lying on my bed at 1:35am, I'm thinking about people and the horrible truth that they will come into your life and eventually, leave. I'm thinking about people and the painful fact that they will take your feelings for granted and then leave you. And almost every day of my life, I always think about people and the inevitable reality that they will love you and hurt you and then fucking leave you in the end. It always comes down to that part. Leaving. The word pricks my heart. I hate it. Why would you leave someone who loves you as much as you love your fucking self? Why is pain, and love,  so much to bear? Why would anyone in this world thinks that they can all just be a beautiful dream came to life and then be a monstrous nightmare under the bed in an instant? Why is this life such a pain in the ass?

I want to wake up. I want to open my eyes to see the wonder of this hazy life. I want to forget everyone who made me feel like a bird in a cage. I want to stop myself from writing fucking letters to someone who doesn't give a damn anymore. I want to not feel a thing anymore to someone who tossed me out of his life in just like that. I don't want to feel any regret or anger or care. I just don't want to feel anything towards them. At all. I want them to be strangers to me. I want them not to speak to me or even look at me. And I want to stop crying right now.

I've decided. This time I do really need to move on. It hurts so much right now. Knowing your bestfriend was already a father without him telling you hurts like hell. And knowing after all these years that you still yearn for the love you had with someone you can never take back hurts even more. I don't want to do this anymore. I wanna be sober.

I wish I could just push pause on the cd player of my life. I just want to breathe. Is it too much to ask? I wanna be free from all these memories. I wanna wake up to the truth that there are still too many things to do; dreams to chase; great perhaps to seek. I want to come face-to-face with reality that I'm not alone as I thought I am; that I am loved by my family and friends; that I am being waited by someone who will deeply love me and will never take me for granted.

Make me forget this brief interlude of sorrow.

Make me feel like I'm finally free from this wall of memories.

Make me sober from this drunken illusion that they will come back and never let me go. Because they already did. They let me go.

And I will never coming the fuck back.